I Got A Case of Word Vomit

Do you remember being little? Weren’t we much happier then? Back when nothing else mattered but playing outside with your friends after school. No cell phones, no social media, those were the good days. Grace had her first incident with a kid the other day, and it got me thinking. She’s growing up, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I still remember the way she smelled when they put her in my arms after her first bath. If you’re a parent, you know that smell too. In a few days, I will no longer be able to have children. Hah. That’s weird to say. I’ve had mixed feelings these last few weeks. There were a million what-ifs that came up. What if Tristan and I don’t get married? Would someone else want someone who can’t have kids? Am I going to regret it once Grace is older? Am I being too hasty? Maybe I’m still too young? Just because I’m Bipolar doesn’t mean my kids would be too, right? In the end, there are a million what-ifs. But the pros here definitely outweigh the cons.

The reality is that I am Bipolar, on Anti-Psychotics, and not sure I’ll ever be able to handle getting off medication for nine months. It took a long time to come to this decision. I’m still not really sure how my parents feel about it. I kind of just told them and didn’t really give much room for rebuttals. It’s my body? So it’s my choice. I’ve become more in tune with what is best for me, and I know this is the right thing to do. Plus, there are so many different ways to have a child. There are so many fucking kids out there who are born to people who don’t want them or who can’t take care of them. I have so much love to give, and I can’t think of a better way to spread the love. I could make a child feel wanted, loved, and happy. Every child deserves that. Kids deserve everything. Kids should always be protected. Plus, I think Grace would love a sibling at some point. Even if the sibling doesn’t come from me.

I’ve always been a hypochondriac, so to say I’m nervous would be an understatement. I’m trying not to think about it too much. I’ve been focusing on the positives. My depressive episode has started to lift. I can see the light again, and it’s so refreshing. Focusing on myself, Grace, and my family is all I need right now. I got some fish. Haha, they’ve actually been helping me. They’re really cute too. I think this is the longest I have ever kept fish alive. Granted, I did go all out and buy a full blow aquarium set. Haha. But hey, my counselor said it was a good idea. My routine is back. I spend my mornings working out, dancing, and spending some time in the sun. Having a routine is good for me. It keeps me going in a forward motion. It helps keep me focused on the things I need to do. I just recently started to get my license to sell insurance and I’m feeling really good about it.

Anyways, as you’re reading this I’m probably loopy as hell laid up in bed. When I got the call from the hospital to ask about my medical history, I was surprised by how loving the nurse was. She asked all these questions, and then drug history came up. When I told her I was an addict (you’re always an addict though), she started to cry. She told me how proud she was of me, that I did a good job, and that she was happy that I’m still here. It was one of the sweetest things, and I am glad she was the nurse I talked to. It’s good to know that there are good people out there.

This post isn’t too informative, but I needed to get some things out. I’ve been bottling things up a lot lately. When I bottle things up, they never come out good. I need so much to happen in these next few months. We need to find a new place to live, I need to start paying off some debt, and I just need more money. I’ve been into manifesting things and using affirmations lately, so I thought I’d throw a few out there before my surgery.

I’m manifesting that things will go okay.
Good things will start to come my way.
I am strong.
The rest of this year will be good to me.
I am making the right decision for ME.
I am full of love and light.
I deserve all the happiness in the world.

❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

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