I’ve been losing it lately. The worst part is that I don’t know what is triggering me. When I lose it, it’s hard for me to stop. It’s like this roller coaster that never stops fucking going around and around. This roller coaster wreaks havoc on everyone around me. It makes me feel shitty. A part of me thinks that I’m the problem, and another part thinks it’s not my fault.
Is there going to come a time when everyone gives up on me? I wouldn’t blame them if I’m being honest. I’m a lot. Do you ever look in the mirror and just cry? You’re looking at yourself and wondering why. Why am I like this? I know I’m pretty. I know I have a good heart, and I know I’m worth it. So, why don’t I feel like it?
I’m a pusher, always have been. I’m not sure why I do it. Maybe I think I’m not deserving of love? What’s to love? I’ve never been able to see the good in myself. In the last year, it’s become a huge problem. I question everything and everyone. It’s as if I don’t understand why they want me around? Even going out, I tend to get nervous. Are they going to like me? Do I look okay? Will they talk to me? It’s nerve-wracking.
I’m always last on my list, and that’s been a problem for me my entire life. I put EVERYONE before myself. Now, when you put yourself last…everything starts to pile up. It also seems like I am last on everyone else’s list as well.
I need help, like once a week type of help. I’ve been looking for an in-person therapist because I want to learn how to control the Manic rages. My friend Madi said I’m like a hot air balloon that’s about to combust, and I’ve never related to something more. Maybe I should start doing puzzles again, haha. They always help me forget about everything in my head.
I haven’t stood up in the shower in over a year and a half, and brushing my teeth feels like the biggest chore ever. It’s kind of embarrassing to admit that, but that’s my reality. Sucks, huh?
Anyways, this is just me having a case of word vomit. I just had to get some of this shit out. I’m trying to turn it around, but I need help. I want to stop pushing away everyone I love. I want to learn how to communicate my emotions better. I want to start loving myself because I know I deserve it. I want to focus on repairing the relationships that I have fucked up.
I am manifesting light and love into my life. Send me good vibes. Thanks for reading my rambling. 🙂