I’m back, bitches

It’s been a while y’all. I’ve been racking my brain trying to decide whether to keep Manic Mama alive and well. This past month I’ve been depressed/manic (yes a dual episode), it’s been a ride. It’s a judgmental world out there. This blog is honest, deep, and shines a light on my life that no one has ever seen before. I guess you could say it’s “incriminating,” and you never know who could use it against me. We’re in 2022, I thought people would be more aware and accepting of Mental Health. There’s no shame in being open about your struggles. I think it takes incredible strength. This world is filled with people who want to tear you down, judge you, and belittle you. You have to grow some thick skin if you’re going to put your life out there.

In the past few days, I’ve been laying out the pros and cons of keeping this blog alive. There are plenty of cons, but they don’t outweigh the pros. I spend a lot of time alone, and writing has become my outlet. It would be a shame to let the assholes of the world take that from me. I am proud of myself for starting this blog. This time of the year is always weird for me. My birthday is coming up, but it’ll be another birthday spent at home. It’s hard for me to make friends. Women generally do not like me. This is fine, but it can make special occasions feel lonely. I’ve been working on myself and trying to get a handle on my mouth. I cuss like a sailor and am a little too blunt. I’m trying and that’s all that fucking matters, right?

My social anxiety is getting out of hand. My mind is moving a million times per minute.

“Do I look okay?”

“What if I’m annoying them?”

“Do they think I invited myself?”

“I shouldn’t talk too much, they may start to hate me.”

When I was younger, I never was one to have a bunch of girlfriends. I had the same friends throughout middle and high school. Guys were so much easier to get along with. I wasn’t the foo-foo, make-up every day, nice clothes kind of girl. My mom was so set on me being that way, but I had other plans. I would leave the house in jeans and a cute shirt…then proceed to change in the parking lot at school. Sweats, slippers, and messy buns were my style back then (kinda still is). Fuck being like everyone else–it’s underrated.

Now that I’m about to be twenty-six, I’ve been doing a deep dive into my feelings and emotions. And, I’m truly lonely. Making friends in your twenties is fucking hard. Not to mention being Bipolar as well, it’s difficult for me. I wanted to plan this trip for my birthday, but it didn’t make sense. Who would I invite? I have my few, but my few are just like me. What fun is a birthday if you spend it alone in a lake house? Not really what would make me feel good.

This month I want to learn how to be secure enough to accept that I am simply not for everyone. My relationship with women is weird. I can’t keep girlfriends long, and I’m not sure what it is about me. I have my few, who I love and adore. Then I have the few I try hard to connect with who have no interest in reciprocating. I may be too sensitive to deal with all the rejection. I get defensive, and I start to become a recluse. I think sometimes I read too much into the words someone says. It can cause a lot of problems because I start to get defensive when I feel threatened. It ruins a lot of relationships I have, and it drives Tristan crazy. So, I also want to work on rebuilding my filter. I’ve realized that not everyone understands me or my personality, and that is OKAY.

Another thing I want to work on is being more open-minded when it comes to new people. I think I’m just scared of being judged. I want everyone to like me, which usually makes no one like me. I also need to work on reaching out more. I know I fucking suck at it, and it probably makes my loved ones think I don’t care. I promise that isn’t the case. I am just scared to put myself out there. The problem is, I’m a pussy. Haha. But really though.

Anyways, I’m glad to be back. I promise I’ll never disappear for that long again. I think not writing hurt me, and getting back into it is going to help me feel better. I realized that I need Manic Mama and it’s never going to go away.

Manic Mama is back bitches, and she’s not fucking going anywhere.

Sailor mouth and all.

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