No celebrations, please.

Well, I fucking did it again. Sorry. I didn’t post when I said I would. Just know I am trying guys. There aren’t any words to describe how I’ve been feeling. The last month has been a roller coaster. I’ve been switching from Manic to Depression quickly and it’s wearing me out. Rapid cycling is my arch fucking enemy. It destroys my mental health during it. I’ve started a ton of blog posts, and so many are left unfinished. It’s like as soon as I go from Manic to Depression, my whole personal drive disappears. I stop the things that bring me joy, the house gets dirty, my clothes don’t get washed, and neither does my hair. Once the depression fades out and the manic comes out, I am on level one million. Everything in my mind goes a thousand miles per hour, and I have zero focus.

Like, I’m even struggling just writing this. The end of August stresses me out, I absolutely hate celebrating my birthday. Every time I celebrate myself, I feel like such an asshole. As though I’m not important enough to celebrate. I think this thought has stayed with me my entire life. I’m not good at being in the spotlight. I know I’m wrong. I know I am a human who deserves to be celebrated. So, why do I not feel this way on the inside? How can I know this, but not implement it into my life? How do I get better? Am I doomed to forever feel this way? I have a ton of fucking questions that I know I’ll never get answers to.

I don’t want to be so negative. It’s a huge problem in my relationship with Tristan. It’s not like I wake up every day and think, “I’m going to be shitty today.” I want to be happy. I mean, who WANTS to be fucking sad all the time? I sure as hell don’t. I’ve learned not to talk about what’s inside my head. That’s not a healthy thing. It’s dangerous to keep emotions bottled up inside. Keeping things inside does nothing but harm.

I want to work more on expressing my feelings. I want to remember that I matter and my emotions are valid. No one should feel like their feelings don’t matter. So why do I do that to myself? I should include myself when people say no one should feel that way. I want to be better for my loved ones. I want them to know that I am trying and sometimes it’s harder for me. I don’t want them to ever feel like they don’t make me happy. That’s not the case at all.

I’m a work in progress, and probably always will be. I want to hold myself accountable. I want to be able to wake up, look in the mirror, and realize how amazing I am. I want to get back on track with this blog. My life and mental health has not been the same since I stopped. Writing is my safe place. Why did I abandon my safe place? This will never happen again.

I am going to get right back at it bitches.

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