So, a new post. I thought I’d do this a little bit differently. Tonight is the night before the day I have off, which means tequila. Every post on Facebook is about someone engaged, married, or having a baby. It stresses me the fuck out. Tristan and I have been together since sixteen and seventeen. We have (quite literally) grown up together. I get uncomfortable when people ask me if I’m married. Most people assume I am a single mother when I tell them I have a kid out of “wedlock.” Lmfao. None of them think I am still with her father. When I tell them I am, they ALWAYS give a smart-ass comment. It annoys the shit out of me. Everyone does things on their own time.
I talk about marriage a lot with Tristan. It’s probably a massive mistake. I don’t think I should pressure him at all. We’ve been through so much together, and I think we are still figuring out what our futures might be. I know that my future is with him and our family. I’m proud of how far we have come since we were teenagers. We have raised a fantastic child who lights up every room she enters. I’ve spent so much time working to provide for her that I lost my drive to do something with my life. My life has become a cycle. It’s the same shit every day. Everyone seems to be thriving, and I’m not sure what I’m doing.
One thing I do know is that I want MORE for my life. I want to find something I love and succeed at it. Is it embarrassing that I am trying to figure this out at twenty-six? Sometimes I feel embarrassed. I’m stuck when it comes to my search. What is even out there? What if I never find something? I don’t want to be at a stand-still my whole life. I know there’s something out there that’s for me. I’ll find it.
Fourteen-year-old me would have never thought I would make it to today. I had a difficult time growing up. My mental health was absolute horseshit. It still is, LMFAO. Well, not as bad. I don’t want to spend my life just “getting by.” It’s time for me to get it together. It’s time for me to find out what MY thing is.
It’s fucking time.